Andromeda

One day a merc came to my room.

“She’s suspicious,” whispered the merc, whose name was Tone. “Andromeda is, I mean. She told me to keep an eye on – ”

I held a finger to my lips.

“No,” I said. “Not here.”

I lifted my jacket from its hook and pulled it on. One of the sleeves had a tear in the vinyl, and my thin, yellowed arm poked through the hole like a worm.

“I’m gonna leave, but you stay here,” I said. “Just for a few minutes, so we don’t look obvious. I’ll meet you in the fire district. Give it a half hour. I’ll be outside the auction tent.”

Tone nodded.

I left the room, took the stairs down to the ground floor, and stepped out of Andromeda Tower. I tried not to retch as the city’s stench poured into my nostrils. My eyes watered.

The gate guard saw my discomfort.

“Haze is awful thick today, sir,” he said.

“Yeah,” I said. I coughed. “Seems like the more time you spend in the tower, the harder it is to re-adjust out here.”

“I wouldn’t know, sir. I’ve never been inside.”

A half hour later in the fire district, I stood with Tone at the dirty auction railing. We both stared into the tent ahead, pretending to be fascinated by half-hearted bidding wars over cancerous dazzlebirds and rusty spiderbots.

Neither of us dared to look at the other.

“What did she say, Tone?”

“Well, she . . . she’s not sure what you’re up to. She can’t figure you out. She’s not sure what your motives are, but she says her intuition tells her she can probably trust you.”

“Her intuition tells her wrong,” I said.

In the distance, the auctioneer’s voice, brash and obnoxious.

“One hundred credits! Do I hear one hundred-ten? One hundred-ten credits?”

I leaned against the railing, testing its strength with my weight, seeing if it would budge. It didn’t move.

“Did she mention the cabal, Tone? Does she think I have cabal ties?”

“No. I’m not sure she knows we exist.”

“What makes you think that?”

“She’s never mentioned the cabal. Not even once.”

I said, “She’s just not letting on all she knows.”

Tone said, “So what are we gonna do?”

“What are we gonna do?” I let go of the railing. “I’ll make her comfortable with me. I’ll do whatever it takes. Meanwhile, you tell her what you need to tell her. Tell her I seem clean, normal. Tell her I spend most of my time in the wind district browsing antique shops. Tell her whatever you want, as long as it’s what she needs to hear.”

“Okay.”

Three weeks later, I told Andromeda I loved her.

Andromeda responded to that lie with what I assumed was a lie of her own: she told me she loved me, too.

Though Andromeda was perhaps not as suspicious of me as I was of her, she was still a little suspicious.

But what was the degree of her suspicion? Was she worried that I was a simple con man, or did she know the extent of what was going on? How much did she know about the cabal? Did she know my orders were to kill her?

When Andromeda and I spent time together, it was at the top of her tower. Her penthouse living quarters were richly, lavishly decorated. The carpeting, for example, was so white and so fluffy that just looking at it made me feel like I was suffocating.

The people of Vorn had given that carpeting to Andromeda. She had bombed a neighboring town but had left Vorn unscathed, and the seaside village folk were so grateful that they’d stitched that carpeting together from the pelts of fifty dead snowdivers and had it sent to Andromeda Tower with the border patrol.

Her coffee table had a similar story behind it. It was solid and shiny, a gift made by a lower-class craftsman who’d carved it out of light-ore and given it to Andromeda as his way of thanking her for not killing her family, for letting them live as water district slaves.

When Andromeda and I spent time together, we tended to position ourselves the same way. She would stand with her back to me, looking out at the six districts through one of her long, thin windows. Me, I’d lie back on her couch, feet propped against light-ore coffee table, watching her.

Andromeda looked out the window even if she was talking, and she was talking most of the time.

I only saw her face at periodic intervals, when she turned to look at me, asking, “Am I boring you?”

“Oh, of course not,” I’d say. “I’m always listening to you.”

And it was true. I listened hard. I memorized as many of her words as possible. I wrote them all down as soon as I left Andromeda Tower, and I gave those written reports to the cabal, because Andromeda was a dictator, and Andromeda had to be stopped.

Andromeda told me everything there was to know about herself. I started to wonder: had I really been lying when I told her I “loved” her? She was very attractive – particularly if I ignored the stump she had for a right hand.

But she even told me how she’d lost that hand, eventually. It happened one night after we shared a harsh, overcooked dinner.

(She’d been apologetic about that. The food, she said, was spoiled. Everything in the warehouses was dry and stale. Weeks ago, Andromeda had shut down all the food factories and diverted their electricity to the construction zone where she was having the starspine built.

She said she would reactivate the production lines “soon.”)

After we ate, I sat back on her couch, as usual. Grease was glued to my throat. I was powerfully thirsty, but two bottles of sharkohol had done nothing to satisfy me. I was cradling a third, though I had little hope that it would help.

Andromeda was looking out the window again. Typical Andromeda.

And then she asked, “Have you ever wondered what happened to my hand?”

Of course I had wondered. Everyone had wondered.

“No,” I said. “Never really crossed my mind.”

“Well – I’ve never really told anybody, but . . . it was a long, long time ago. I was a little girl, living near the city’s outskirts. It was before everything. Before the reformation. This was a different place then.”

“My mother ran a trading stall. That’s how she made her money, you know? Farmers came in to sell their crops. We didn’t have hydroponics, then. Didn’t have the food factories, didn’t have warehouses. I’m sure you remember that.”

“One day, there was a dispute with one of the farmers. I don’t know what it was, exactly. Something my mother did enraged one of them. He growled at her, told her that he’d be back soon, that she’d be sorry. He walked off into the night and I was scared, and so was my mother. She was trembling. I was so worried that something might happen to her. Something did happen to her.”

“That’s . . . that’s how I lost my hand. You know, I don’t want to go into any more detail than that. I don’t know if I can, if I want to. But I remember the explosions, the way the trading post went up in that plume of fire. I remember the ash and the cinders, the way they dragged her away.”

“I don’t know what happened to her, exactly. She might still be out there somewhere. She probably isn’t.”

She turned around and looked right at me.

“Do you know why I told you that story?”

“Uh . . . no,” I said.

“I don’t know either, but I know this: that’s the day I decided what I’d be when I grew up. I wanted to protect people, you know?”

“Yeah,” I said.

Hence the shock troops, I guess. Hence the border patrol. Hence the starspine.

I never understood the point of the starspine, but Andromeda obsessed over it. It was going to be our ticket to survival. She and I and a handful of her most trusted advisors – we’d escape this planet and make a new start of things. Only the creme de la creme of the gene pool would make the climb.

“But I’m not the creme de la creme of the gene pool,” I said. “Look at me. My body’s falling apart. My skin’s peeling. My muscles are dissolving. My lungs are collapsing. I don’t think I have more than a couple of years to live. I grew up breathing the haze in the city. I didn’t grow up in your tower.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Andromeda said. “I love you, you know.” She may not have been lying.

The night before she was to give the order to turn the starspine on, the cabal blew it up. A million little chunks of reinforced steel fell over the city like a sharp, deadly rain.

A week after that, we killed Andromeda.

Bare

Almost at the end of September now. Leaves outside are drying up, detaching from their trees.

I’m glad to see them go, in a way. Less clutter now. There’s something noble about all those bare branches, elegant and graceful and standing against the wind.

Form

It stands to reason that I’ll eventually have nothing to say. Since my vocabulary’s finite, it crimps my syntax.

I can try to be deft or clever, but my limitations and stylistic tics don’t go away. I can cast and recast phrases and the form might seem different, but the quality’s the same.

Bastard

Listen, moth. I realize you didn’t know this, but you asked for death just by landing where you did. After all, the edge of my desk’s a vertical surface. Nobody can stand on a vertical surface, so what business did you have touching down there? Who the hell did you think you were? Spider-Man?

That kind of hubris doesn’t suit a small flying insect, and that’s why I brought the wad of tissue paper down on your ass.

You deserved to die, moth. You hear me? Yeah, you hear me. And I hear you, there beyond the grave. You’re telling me I screwed up with the tissue paper.

And you have a point, okay? I did screw up. I’ll cop to that. I meant to kill you with grace, in one smooth motion. I didn’t do that. I blew it.

I crumpled that tissue paper around you and wrapped you in its soft, choking fibers, and I squeezed, hoping to crush and/or smother you in an instant. But yes, I admit: I didn’t squeeze hard enough.

So when I let go, you fell out of the bunched-up Kleenex into my hand, your wings mangled beyond repair. I recoiled, and you fell to the carpet, where you began to hop a spastic nightmare hop.

You kept trying to fly. You couldn’t do it. We both knew why: pieces of you that you’d never get back had been left behind in my Kleenex wad.

When I brought that Kleenex down on you again, I didn’t do it because I’m a bastard. I didn’t do it out of some lunatic sadism. I wanted to put you out of your misery. I know, I only made it worse. I was too shaken.

For a second time, I didn’t squeeze hard enough. I crippled you even more. Forget about your wings, I ripped your legs off. I ripped your legs off and you were still alive.

But hey, the third time was the charm, right? I did kill you in the end, right? I stuffed you into the trash. Served you right for landing on my desk.

No. No, I don’t mean that.

You know, I didn’t kill you because I hated you. I killed you because people kill insects. That’s just what we do. We don’t want you guys around. I saw you on my desk and I felt uncomfortable, and that’s why I reached for the tissue paper.

Most of us humans don’t start mashing insects from the time we’re born. The repulsion gets socialized into us, somehow.

When I was a kid, I thought bugs were great. Then I grew up, I didn’t think that anymore, and I started killing them.

That probably doesn’t make you feel any better.

Wrong

What is there to say here? One more day gone. I’m not capable of studying the shit I’m supposed to study.

When I try, the same thing always happens. My mind, heavy and jagged, saws through the barrier between wakefulness and sleep, reducing it to dusty splinters before I can get through a page.

With the barrier gone, only an invisible line separates consciousness from unconsciousness. Like a disputed border between countries at war, the line shifts. I tend to end up on the wrong side.

Imperfect

I’m at my computer now and the desktop I’m looking at is as clean as I can make it. There is no clutter. All potential distractors have either been minimized or eliminated.

The wallpaper’s a neutral gray. Sitting top of it, in the center of the screen, is a white box. That white box contains a cursor. It’s blinking, because it wants my attention.

“Dude,” says the blinking cursor, “in case you haven’t noticed, you’re supposed to be typing now.”

I say, “I know.”

In the corner, I see the clock. A digital readout of the hours, of the minutes. The numbers never stay the same for long.

I always tell myself I’d get stuff done if I were in the right environment. If I could eliminate every possible external factor, if I could get to a point where it’s just me in a room with a bare screen and a white box and a blinking cursor, then I’d be fine.

But now it’s just me in a room with a bare screen and a white box and a blinking cursor, and I’m not fine. The external factors aren’t as important as the internal ones.

Taking words from my brain and sending them to the white box should be straightforward, and it is, but by its nature the process is imperfect. Words in my brain weren’t always words.

They started as abstractions. They started as thoughts. Thoughts and words are two different languages. Translate from one to the other, and I lose data. That’s inevitable.

It’s easy to type a lot of shit into a white box. It’s hard to do that in a way that reduces data loss and that seems meaningful. It’s hard to perfect something inherently imperfect.

Gap

Today was one of those non-days that end so soon after they begin that I find it hard to believe they began at all.

The cliche about time doesn’t hold true for me. It doesn’t fly when I’m having fun. It flies when I’m drained, when I’m tired, when I’ve got stuff to do but can’t think clearly enough to do it.

That’s when tiny chunks of time shrink and contract, falling out of continuity.

At first, I don’t realize they’re gone. The gap they leave behind manifests itself only when I look at the clock and see that what seemed like twenty-four minutes was in fact twenty-four hours.

Garbage

My friend Arch’s apartment has a garbage room in it: a small, dusty space with a miniature door at either end. One opens into Arch’s kitchen. The other opens into the main hallway.

Because everyone in Arch’s building has a garbage room, miniature garbage doors flank that hallway on both sides. Each is associated with an apartment door.

The apartment doors are impressive. They were carved out of rich, grainy wood. They bear shiny silver numberplates, and tight, equally-shiny hinges bind them to the wall.

The garbage doors are ugly. They were punched out of cheap, light plywood. They bear dirty iron knobs, and loose, equally-iron hinges bind them to the wall.

A garbage door in Arch’s building is a second-class citizen. It stands next to its corresponding apartment door the way a dimwitted child might stand next to an older nuclear physicist sibling: sheepishly.

A garbage room in Arch’s building is a room with one function. It holds garbage overnight so that an anonymous worker can come by in the morning, open the garbage room’s garbage door, and extract the garbage within.

The anonymous, garbage-extracting worker is called the garbage man. Nobody who lives in Arch’s building has ever seen the garbage man.

“He might not even exist,” Arch said one night. He was tying shut a smelly, bulging bag full of oxidized apple cores and stale potato chips and bare toilet rolls and mold-colonized bread and half-eaten pizza.

“Of course he exists,” I said. “The garbage is gone when you wake up, isn’t it?”

“Maybe it just disappears.”

“How? Where does it go? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Well, where does it go when the garbage man picks it up?”

“He probably takes it somewhere.”

“Like where?” Arch had stopped tying, and now he was looking at me with unsettling enthusiasm. “Where does he take it? Where does the garbage go?”

“It . . . he incinerates it, I think.”

“How do you know that?”

“I don’t, but it seems right.”

“No. No, it doesn’t. Listen, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this: I think he eats it.”

“What?”

“I know it sounds crazy, but think about it. We never hear him, right? Every morning, it’s just dead silence. If he doesn’t eat the garbage, where does he put it? We don’t hear him lugging anything around. It’s just . . . quiet.”

i sat down on Arch’s kitchen stool. I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation. “Wouldn’t we hear him chewing, if he really ate it?”

“Not if he eats fast. Not if he does it in one gulp. He might not be human, for all we know. There’s a hundred other apartments in this building. Maybe his stomach is a rip in space-time, like a wormhole. Maybe all the stuff he eats get dumped onto some alien sun halfway across the universe.”

“Arch, you’re really – ”

“It’s possible! And I’m gonna find out tonight. Okay?”

Arch picked up the garbage bag. “I’m gonna wait in the garbage room, just to observe. See who or what he really is. Start a conversation, if possible. And you’ve got to help me.”

“I don’t know about that,” I said. “I don’t see what I have to do with this. If you want to wait in the garbage room, you go right ahead, but don’t drag me into it.”

“No, no. You won’t wait in the garbage room. You’ll wait here, in the kitchen. And you’ll be holding this.”

He opened a drawer and pulled out a – gun? What the hell? Where had he gotten that?

Arch laughed. “Surprised?”

“Uh . . . yeah.”

“I’ve had this for years, man. Home defense. Anyway, you’ll be holding this because I don’t know how aggressive the garbage man might be. He might be pretty mad that I’ve been waiting for him. I don’t know. The point is, if it sounds like I’m in danger, you’ll run in and shoot him, okay?”

“Arch, you do realize I’ve never shot a gun before, right?”

“How hard could it be? Look, it’s one a.m. now. The garbage man could come by anytime between now and six.”

“You’re gonna stay awake for six hours?”

“Oh, yeah. Don’t worry. I’m real wired.”

“And you want me to stay awake for six hours? I’m exhausted! I was about to head home!”

“You don’t have to stay awake. I’m only gonna need you if the garbage man tries to hurt me, and if he does, I’ll scream. If you sleep in the kitchen with the gun, you’ll hear me. All I ask is that you be ready to run in and shoot the guy if I scream. That’s all I ask.”

“Arch, this plan is insane. This is insane.”

“Just trust me,” said Arch. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a garbage room to sit in for six hours.”

What the hell had gotten into him?

Oh well. I got off the stool, sat back against the kitchen counter, and yawned . . .

Six hours later, a shriek from the garbage room woke me up. The shriek was the most horrible thing I’d ever heard, the ultimate expression of deep, primal terror. The shriek was the sound of Arch’s consciousness shattering. It sounded like he’d reached the very limit of the psychic strain a human could tolerate.

Fearing the worst, I lunged into the garbage room and fired the gun. The bullet’s blast was loud, but the room was empty. No trace of Arch. No trace of the garbage bag.

Then I noticed the garbage door leading into the hallway was slightly ajar. It started to open.

I raised the gun.

In walked the garbage man. He was short, nondescript, totally ordinary in every way. He wore khakis and a loose, worn polo shirt. He was wiping his mouth.

“Hey-hey!” he said. “Thanks! You’re great!”

I lowered the gun. “What?”

“Really thoughtful of you. It’s been a long time since I’ve had something . . . alive, you know? So yeah, thanks!”

“Uh, no problem.”

He turned to leave.

“Wait,” I said. “I just want to know – what, uh . . . what are you?”

“Oh, me?” The garbage man looked over his shoulder. “Interdimensional space horror,” he said, “and part-time garbage man.”

“Huh. Hell of a living,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said. “It is!”

Meaning

Death Proof is awesome. It works on its own terms, even if you don’t have a lot of pre-existing knowledge of the slasher film conventions it references. I can say that with confidence because I don’t know a damn thing about those conventions and Death Proof makes sense to me.

It has a clean, symmetrical structure, with two distinct narrative halves that mirror each other. Dumb shit happens in many scenes, but the dumb shit always has an underlying purpose.

It’s part of the buildup to Death Proof‘s last thirty-or-so minutes, which serve as a kind of prolonged punchline that deconstructs the film, contextualizing all the dumb shit. Death Proof, it turns out, means the exact opposite of what a real slasher flick would mean.

To put it another way, Death Proof is made of smashed-together pop-culture junk that coalesces into actual meaning. That’s pretty different from, say, Pulp Fiction, which, entertaining as it might be, is made from smashed-together pop-culture junk that doesn’t mean anything except itself.

Slacker

When I was seven, I borrowed a how-to book about “programming adventure games” from the library. It was a short book. Perhaps a hundred thin pages, bound by a torn and water-damaged cardboard cover.

The cover was enlivened by a colorful, sloppy illustration of a stiff knight and a generic dragon. I think they were supposed to be staring each other down. Perhaps an epic confrontation of some kind was about to begin.

If so, the scene did a terrible job of communicating that. It wasn’t dynamic enough. The knight and the dragon both stood too still.

The knight had thrust his sword before him, a rigid ninety degrees from his chest. The dragon looked upon that sword with something that wasn’t anger so much as placid bemusement.

It looked like the knight and the dragon had been standing in the same position for years, and in fact they had. Since the book had been printed in the early 1980s, the knight and the dragon had been engaged in static, passive confrontation ever since.

I wonder what they’re doing now? Are they still around? Is that book still circulating, or did some librarian realize its age and trash it? Where do old computer books go to die? Do people buy them at library sales, or do the books get passed over and carted, unloved, to landfills?

Perhaps, somewhere in the outskirts of Springfield, a knight and a dragon lie beneath several feet of dirty tampons and rusting cans of kidney beans. Where else do you put a useless programming book?

Hell, even when I was seven, the book was kind of useless. None of the code examples it gave me worked. They’d been written with the original Microsoft BASIC in mind, but I was feeding them to a QBasic interpreter. BASIC and QBasic have similar syntax, but the languages aren’t interchangeable. I didn’t know that then.

The book’s last code example was several hundred lines long, and it ran for pages. It was a full-blown text adventure, set in a haunted house. It was actually called Haunted House Adventure. It had items and treasures and ghosts and puzzles. It looked awesome.

I typed Haunted House Adventure into QBasic and tried to run it, but got a mess of errors I couldn’t debug.

For months after I returned the programming book, I’d open Haunted House Adventure and try to figure out how to make it run, but the game was a tangled mess of GOTO statements that were impossible to keep track of.

So the programming book may not have been useful, but it deserves props for getting me interested in programming. Before I borrowed it, I’d never messed with QBasic. Post-programming book, I spent most of my free time in that thing, trying to write games.

I really, really wanted to write games. Programming’s intrinsic appeal is that you get to tell a computer what to do; I wanted to tell my computer to create an imaginary space and populate it with whatever the hell I wanted. I wanted to build a world, and then I wanted to explore it. I fantasized about someday making something like Zelda and distributing it over the Internet as shareware, becoming famous and renowned.

But I’d have to learn how to program first, and I didn’t know how to do that. I spent a lot of time trying to reverse-engineer the two example games that came with QBasic: Gorillas and Nibbles.

When I got tired of QBasic, I moved on to C and then C++ and Python. I checked stacks of books out of the library that claimed they’d teach me a computer language “in 21 days.” Those books were dirty lies.

I never learned a computer language. I learned pieces, here and there. Bits of syntax. The occasional principle. I could write pretty, modular pieces of code, but couldn’t figure out how to make that code throw a game onto the screen. I couldn’t assemble my code into anything good or useful.

After many, many unfinished games, I gave up. At least for a few years.

Then, one day, I found a discounted copy of Learning Perl, the well-known O’Reilly book. I bought it on pure impulse. This was back when I was in high school and running Debian Linux. Perl was built right into Debian, and Linux people all seemed to know Perl, so I thought, okay, why not?

I took the book home and fired up a terminal window to start doing the exercises. Whoa, I thought, Perl is straightforward. I can do this. I was starting to feel like a badass.

I started thinking, hey, what if I wrote a game? A text adventure? Or better yet, a role-playing game? How might I implement that in Perl? I wasn’t sure, so I started browsing Sourceforge for ideas.

To my surprise, I found that someone out there was doing exactly what I wanted to do. A guy named Morris (not his real name) had written an RPG engine in Perl, a project he called Coral (not its real name).

Coral was in embryonic form, but the foundation was there. Morris, like me, was a Perl beginner. Because of that, Coral‘s code was readable, even to me.

When I peered into Coral‘s readme file, I saw that Morris was done with the project. He’d abandoned it, moved on to other things. But he’d be glad to hand the reins over to some aspiring young developer.

I had a brainwave: the aspiring young developer could be me.

I-emailed Morris and told him I was interested in taking control of the Coral project.

Morris said, oh, well, okay. Tell me why you want the project. I want to make sure you’re worthy.

I told Morris some bullshit about my “goals” as a “developer” and my “plans” for “an RPG framework” written “in Perl.”

After a little more back-and-forth, Morris ceded control of the project to me. Great, I thought.

Oh, Morris said, one last request. I want you to keep me on board as one of the project’s administrators, even though it’s yours now.

Why did he want that? Well, whatever. Yeah, I said. Sure.

Then I started work on the new version of Coral. For a while I worked on my own, but then I called in my friend Zither (not his real name). Zither and I had been friends in middle school. When we were in eighth grade, we had grandiose plans to write an RPG called Avenger (its real name) in C. Those plans never came to fruition.

I told Zither, look, forget Avenger. Coral is the new shit, and it’s the real deal here. I’ve got a Sourceforge site and everything. Coral‘s going to make us famous. Are you game?

Zither was game.

The main difference between Zither and me was that Zither was actually good at programming. So Zither wrote Coral‘s complex engine code. I wrote the menus and shit like that.

Our project started to take off. Soon, Perl seemed too cramped for our plans. We decided to reimplement everything in C.

So I put a note in the changelog, something to the effect that Zither and I had decided the Perl codebase was too messy and convoluted and stupid.

We were, I wrote, going to do things cleanly, rightly, and properly, using Kerninghan and Ritchie’s brilliant C programming language. Perl, I wrote, had turned out to be a pretty retarded choice. What a silly idea, to write a game in Perl!

Morris emailed me the next day. I had offended him.

I thought he was kidding. He was not kidding. He wanted Coral back.

Okay, I said. You can have your precious Coral. Take it. We never wanted it anyway. Zither and I are starting our own project.

And that’s what we did. We called it Parabola (not its real name).

In his last email, Morris told me he was disappointed with my disrespectful, dishonorable behavior. Now that he had Coral again, he intended to give it to someone who really, truly deserved it.

I told him, sure, that’s your prerogative. And that was the last time we talked.

What a dickbag, I thought.

Zither and I tooled around a little more with Parabola, but the project collapsed, just like every other game project I’ve ever tried to start.

Just the other day, I looked Morris up for the hell of it and found that he switched from Perl to Ruby and is now a bigshot Ruby expert who gives speeches at conventions. He wrote a fucking book about Ruby for O’Reilly.

Fuck me!

When we’d had our little altercation, I was fifteen. Morris couldn’t have been older than about twenty. And twenty is how old I am now. So maybe it’s not too late for me just yet, but man.

Why aren’t I more ambitious? Morris was an ambitious guy. He had goals. He knew what he was doing. He wanted a career as a programmer, and by God, that’s what he got.

What about me? I couldn’t have a career as a programmer, because I’m not good enough. You need a certain amount of innate talent to be a good programmer. I don’t have that kind of talent.

Programming’s more of an art than it is a science. It’s about reaching a level of proficiency where you understand what the arbitrary syntax of various languages means, where you integrate that knowledge into a kind of meta-understanding of the steps you need to take to get a computer to do what you want.

I never had that meta-understanding. I’ve had flashes here and there, but I’ve never seen the whole thing.

My talent isn’t writing computer code. My talent, if I have one, is writing English, but that’s not much of a talent, because everybody can write in English, and anyway I’m not good so much as I’m just competent.

Take this thing I’m writing here. It’s not as good as it could be. My stuff could be good, but I don’t make it good. I don’t have the dedication, the patience, the perseverance, the whatever you want to call it. The je ne sais quoi that separates apathetic guys who half-ass everything from guys who write fucking books about Ruby for O’Reilly.

Why am I such a slacker?